as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just found puke in my bra..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
