Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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