i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
