I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
