Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
