Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
