Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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