Someone shit on the floor
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
