I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
