we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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