She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
