I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
