I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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