Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
