my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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