If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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