you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
