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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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