You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
