we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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