too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
