Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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