I haven't been this sober since birth.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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