At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
