im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
