woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
