Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
COCAINE IS GR8
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
