Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
