Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
