I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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