I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
