Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
