I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
