My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
