I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
