Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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