4 words: hood of his car
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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