I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
