i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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