...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
