Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
