I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
