She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
