I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
