Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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