I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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