Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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