From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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