I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
