i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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